Are you sick and tired of horoscopes that don’t hold up to your rigorous standards? Are you pissed that each one comes with a unsettlingly general description of a below average day, coupled with the prospect that you might be meeting a dark stranger at some point?
Well look no further, because these fitness horoscopes are based on REAL SCIENCE! Lunar cycles, star movement patterns, and a misogynistic outlook have given our psychics the ability to predict your exact day.
Look no further weary traveler, for the answers are here.
Your chest workout this week has left you mega-swole, so do yourself a favor and take today off. Let your energy balance become restored through a combination of harry potter erotica, Thai foot massage, and low-cal-fro-yo. You need some time to clear your head, and to contemplate why your Sartorius is so underdeveloped.
Much like the Ford Sedan your horoscope was named after, you are overworked, and underappreciated. Take back your life by not giving a shit at the gym today! Bring both your ipads, one laptop, and your kindle fire, set them up in a corner, then practice your Jui-Jitsu on a swiss ball until you’ve got a good sweat going. Gym management asks you to stop? Tell them that you’re experiencing ‘flow’ right now and can’t be bothered with the opinions of beta males.
You’re not gonna like this you surly go-getter, but today is NOT your day. Your discman is running low on battery, you grabbed your mom’s estrogen therapy pills instead of your R4PID-SHR3D 9000 pre-workout, and the only clean shorts you have is an old paper bag from Fry’s. Toughen up though, because even though the yang has escaped your yin, your biceps are looking STACKED BRO.
I know you’re thinking about wearing the lulu lemon pants to the gym today. DON’T.
You need to workout today, but I’ll be damned if you’re getting a lift in with a Flappy Bird score of only 14. Get to 50, or throw your phone in the garbage. Quitter.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life Virgo, today is your day to get it done. You are an angry, jacked Abraham Lincoln, and your workout today is slavery.
“Four score and seven plates ago, my deadlift was weak like that rot-gut General Lee. Then I whipped the snot out of slavery, and built a cabin out of the bones of my enemies! Booyah!”
-Abraham Lincoln. 1863
There’s a strong possibility that you’re going to skip your workout today and do the steamroom/sauna combo instead. The alignment of the stars gives you an 80% chance that you dry your genitals with a hair drier and a 42% chance that you mention how crazy it is that we haven’t found flight 370 yet.
Before you head to pilates today, get in the right frame of mind by doing a double feature of all the Rock’s shirtless scenes in “The Scorpion King”, and “Pain and Gain”. This will allow you to connect with your spirit animal, which is of course, the bicep.
If you have a cat as a pet, stay home from work and stretch thoroughly today.
If you have a dog, go on a 3-5 mile run, 8 minute mile pace.
If you have a wolf, today you’re going to deadlift more than 400lbs and then eat an entire goat.
If you have a dragon, you probably already look like Christian Bale in “Reign of Fire”, so your workout today should include some axe swings, Viking stomps, and dance aerobics.
Today, you will find out that you are gluten intolerant and that your family thinks you have hepatitis C. You’re upset by only one of those revelations.
Everything in moderation today, including meth, flexing in the mirror, and using creatine as a suppository.
Today is a beautiful day for a run. It’s a beautiful-er day for a Grey’s Anatomy Marathon though, so…..priorities.